Helping men cope with grief and loss

Grief is inevitable part of life. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the loss of a child, these experiences can be profoundly impactful. While everyone’s journey through grief is unique, men and women often process and express it differently. While societal expectations and biological factors play a role, it’s important to understand that men do not feel less intense emotions during grief. Instead, their ways of coping and expressing these emotions can vary significantly from women. Understanding these differences and finding healthy ways to cope is crucial.

The Science Behind Crying

While many people cry when upset or sad, it’s not as easy for men to cry – why?  Testosterone inhibits crying, while the hormone prolactin (seen in higher levels in women) promotes it. Studies show that globally, men cry less even in countries where it is more culturally accepted.

Men and women can grieve differently. For men, grieving often involves physical or practical tasks to remember those who have died, such as fundraising or memorial projects. This provides time for them to consciously connect with their grief, remember the deceased, and do something meaningful. It can re-purpose the energy from grief and provide valuable time to process what has happened.

Are you not over it yet?

Looking back at the history of grief and how it exists over time, it was commonly suggested that your grief will shrink and eventually get smaller and smaller – ever heard the saying “time is a healer?” or have someone say “that was ages ago are you not over it yet?” . However for many this is simply not true. A more accurate description is that the grief you feel will remain the same but it is you who grows larger around the grief allowing our lives to expand and experience new things. This illustration by Lois Tonkin 1996 shows how grief used to be described with the black hole getting smaller alongside how it is now viewed – the black hole remaining the same size but it is you who grows around it.

How grief can impact you

Grief can manifest itself in a variety of different ways in men and sometimes it can be hard to realise that what you are feeling is related to the loss. You may experience:

• persistent headaches
• loss of appetite
• difficulty sleeping or a constant feeling of exhaustion
• feelings of anger or aggression
• increased irritability or inability to concentrate
• Other physical symptoms such as chest pains, breathlessness, hair loss, tensions, stomach problems and skin rashes can also be common

These can all be normal reactions which should pass in time. But if you are struggling with any of these symptoms consult your GP. As men we can sometimes be reluctant to seek help, but it is important you look after yourself especially when experiencing a loss. Don’t forget that physical problems or a frustrating inability to focus at work can all be due to grief.

Coping skills for dealing with grief

There is no right or wrong way to react after losing someone. Some men may cry and outwardly express emotions, while others do not want to talk and choose to deal with their feelings alone. Some men can feel pressured to bottle up their feelings to appear strong and support those around them instead of facing their grief.

Other men are more ‘action-focused grievers’ who may concentrate their attention on dealing with practical issues, such as channelling their energy into new projects or planning. Turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as alcohol, drugs or risk-taking to help cope or mask their feelings can also be common in men.  If you would like more support with the amount you are drinking/taking drugs visit the link for more information  Support Available | Calm your mind

It important to give yourself time to grieve in your own way, but if you are feeling overwhelmed or unable to deal with a loss, it can help to consider some of these ways to help you through.

Support Services Available

• Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Community – is a free online community where many men come together to anonymously share their experiences, talk about how they are feeling and find others who understand what they’re going through. It’s free to use, available to anyone over 18 and available day or night.
• Mind.org.uk – shares details of several different organisations offering support for different types of bereavement.
• At a Loss – provides links to help bereaved people find the help and support they need.
• Child Bereavement UK -provides support for anyone who has lost a child, and for children themselves who are bereaved.
• Amparo– provides emotional and practical support to those bereaved by suicide.