Helping men cope with grief and loss

Sadly, most of us will experience grief at some point in our lives. Whether it is the death of a loved one, the breakdown of a relationship or the loss of a child, losing someone or something we love can have a devastating impact.

While everyone’s personal experience is unique to them, how we deal with grief can be different for men and women, which is completely normal. As a man it can feel harder to express how we feel, which can sometimes prolong the grieving process and make us feel isolated. Men and women often react differently to loss and men’s health can be particularly affected, both physically and mentally.

Are you not over it yet?

Traditionally, people say “time heals all wounds” or “aren’t you over it yet, it was ages ago?” when talking about grief. However, it really is not this simple. Instead, grief stays the same size, but we grow around it, allowing our lives to expand and embrace new experiences. This idea, illustrated by Lois Tonkin in 1996, resonates with many middle-aged men who have faced loss and learned to live with it while continuing to grow.

How grief can impact you

Grief can manifest itself in a variety of different ways in men and sometimes it can be hard to realise that what you are feeling is related to the loss. You may experience:

• persistent headaches
• loss of appetite
• difficulty sleeping or a constant feeling of exhaustion
• feelings of anger or aggression
• increased irritability or inability to concentrate
• Other physical symptoms such as chest pains, breathlessness, hair loss, tensions, stomach problems and skin rashes can also be common

These can all be normal reactions which should pass in time. But if you are struggling with any of these symptoms consult your GP. As men we can sometimes be reluctant to seek help, but it is important you look after yourself especially when experiencing a loss. Don’t forget that physical problems or a frustrating inability to focus at work can all be due to grief.

Coping skills for dealing with grief

There is no right or wrong way to react after losing someone. Some men may cry and outwardly express emotions, while others do not want to talk and choose to deal with their feelings alone. Some men can feel pressured to bottle up their feelings to appear strong and support those around them instead of facing their grief.

Other men are more ‘action-focused grievers’ who may concentrate their attention on dealing with practical issues, such as channelling their energy into new projects or planning. Turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as alcohol, drugs or risk-taking to help cope or mask their feelings can also be common in men.

It important to give yourself time to grieve in your own way, but if you are feeling overwhelmed or unable to deal with a loss, it can help to consider some of these ways to help you through.

• Talk about it

It may be that you need time to deal with your grief on your own. If so, giving yourself this space is an important step towards healing. But remember you don’t need to go through it alone. It is important that you can talk to somebody about how you feel if you want to.

While talking about it won’t bring the person back, it will help to process your emotions. As painful as it may be to express what you’re feeling, it can be very comforting and healing. It can help get you through the grief sooner and in a much healthier way than holding things in.

• Stay active

Make sure you are doing simple things to take care of yourself, eat regularly, hydrate, get enough rest and exercise.

Many men find getting out for a walk or doing exercise a good way to help process their feelings. Physical activity, such as walking, gardening or sport can also lift your mood and help you sleep better.

• Give yourself time

Grief can sometimes cause us to engage in distracting behaviours, such as focusing on work or practical tasks. These activities can help you feel as if you are doing something productive with your time and having a routine will also help give your days structure.

But make sure you balance this out and allow yourself enough time to deal with your emotions. Whether its anger, shock, guilt, regret, or sadness, it’s important to accept how you are feeling, rather than trying to avoid it.

• Find your own ways to remember

Recognising and honouring the loss you have experienced can also help. As men we may find it harder to talk about the person we’ve lost, so finding other ways to remember them can help. Whether it’s writing in a diary, listening to their favourite music, looking through photographs or doing something else which reminds us of them.

Remember certain days of the year – birthdays, holidays, anniversaries etc – will also be difficult and may trigger grief to reappear. Try to plan ahead and be with family or friends to support each other. You could even organise something to honour their memory together.

• Accept help

Remember your family and friends are here for you. Go easy on yourself and ask for help if you need it. It is not a sign of weakness or a sign that you can’t handle the situation alone. All men need support sometimes, especially after a major loss.

• Know when to seek professional support

If you are finding it hard to cope, talk to a mental health professional who will be able to help you better grasp the fear, regret, or sadness you may be feeling. They are specially trained to help you develop coping mechanisms. Grieving men can also be more prone to harmful behaviours, such as turning to alcohol or other substances to cope with their pain. It is important to watch out for these behaviours and ask for help immediately if you are struggling.

Coping after a loss is not easy and unfortunately there is no way to fast-forward through the grieving process. You need to deal with how you are feeling in whatever way works for you or unresolved grief can lead to stress, anxiety, resentment, and anger.

Remember that the way you feel right now won’t last forever. Make sure you are giving yourself the time you need to heal and speak to those around you – you do not have to do it alone.

Support Services Available

• Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Community – is a free online community where many men come together to anonymously share their experiences, talk about how they are feeling and find others who understand what they’re going through. It’s free to use, available to anyone over 18 and available day or night.
• Mind.org.uk – shares details of several different organisations offering support for different types of bereavement.
• At a Loss – provides links to help bereaved people find the help and support they need.
• Listening Ear – can provide 1 to 1 counselling, group counselling and friendship after bereavement group. Call 0800 048 5224 10am – 5pm, Monday to Friday
• Child Bereavement UK -provides support for anyone who has lost a child, and for children themselves who are bereaved.
• Amparo– provides emotional and practical support to those bereaved by suicide.